Around grade 5 or 6, I began plotting my first real story and it was set in a parallel universe where fairies and dragons and dwarves and elves and witches and fantastical creatures existed in harmony and where a elven girl named Megan Pinewood was set on a undetermined quest by the forces of the universe, soon after the tragic death of her parents. So on this quest she went and with her she took of her younger brother (unnamed) and baby twin sisters, Tangerine and Cocoa and on this journey she encountered a witch who went by the name of Faith Bawen. Not much else was decided for this story except that Megan could hear mysterious voices in the walls (a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) and that the world in which she lived was on the brink of war with another world inhabited by creatures of dark and evil who had managed to penetrate the barriers between the two worlds in their attempts to invade the former. It was a promising tale in my eyes at the time but in grade eight, after my friend who I would play fantasy role play games outside at recess, left for another school, I abandoned the tale.

But now I return, not to write it but to reclaim it so that I can be a part of this world.

One of the cities I created in this world was situated in the clouds and was known as Cloud City. I do not remember clearly who inhabited it but I'm guessing it was a mixture of elves and fairies and the way in which you moved from Cloud City to land was by a train which for now we'll call the Airth Express (air + earth = airth!). I also made another town which was in the mountains (the Smokey Alps, I recall) and when myself and my friend would role-play, I would sometime pretend to live in these hollowed out mountains which were fully furnished inside and the way of commuting inside and to each of the mountain houses was through the underground tunnels; there was also a mountain market place, I think.

Anyways, I have no idea what the point of all of this was, but I was just thinking back to these times and how much I aspired to be and what I aspired to creat. For some reason, I let all of those dreams go and don't feel like I can catch up to any of them and I guess that makes me a bit of a disappointment. I feel like my life is really falling to pieces these days. I mean, my math mark is completely mediocre and I hear the other grade tens talking smartly about their great averages and my parents are clearly very disappointed in me for that. Also, in French, I feel like I'm doing nothing and achieving nothing and just disappointing myself completely. In drama, the one subject I love, I feel I am doing pretty well but I doubt I will have the opportunity to take this course again and will probably (due to parents and their pressure and stuff) not take this one amazing course again and I will miss it and I will miss all the friends I've made in this class, my amazing teacher Mr Lalonde and all the amazing moments I've had in this class (the sonnet stands out as a particularly fantastic one) and also, I'm so behind in everything for English and English, which used to be my best course last year has become something I've kind of flatlined at; everyone pretty much thinks I'm mediocre and untalented which is true to some degree but I feel like I'm not given the opportunity to grow academically and creatively in Miss Joseph's class. Also, I just came off the heels of the student elections; I put my heart and soul into my campaign for Secretary but despite my attempts, I could not win (a metaphor for my life, perhaps?). Also, I'm just becoming so confused when it comes to everything (I hand in everything late and half-done, I never commit to anything, I sleep when I get home, despite my attempts and doing a lot in SAC, I'm always noticed for my flaws and what I've done wrong and not for what I've done right). Then there are my parents who just add so much stress and crap to my life; they force me to do things like practicing music (I love music but it just detracts from it when they force me and badger me and constantly act disappointed and angry towards me) and I think I was supposed to email back to my Aunt about some intentions I'm supposed to read at a wedding next week but that's my last priority but my parents are just being impossible about it and saying my aunt called disappointed to inquire as to why I had not responded. And they always notice when I do something wrong, never when I do something right. They are perpetually disappointed in me and never proud. And the person I have feelings for could never feel that way back and will never, notice me, in a million years despite my attempts at talking to them or trying to look good (my clean and clear facial cleanse regime is not working fast enough!) and I just feel so constricted inside whenever I think about them and I don't know what to do except cry in a corner, about the person, about everything. I just feel so overwhelmed and hot inside this stuffy motherfucking room and so unloved and uncared for and so mediocre and stupid and talentless and so unable to make my mark on this world and so unable to do absolutely anything right or so unable to not disappoint SOMEONE. And I just want to SCREAM and I just want to CRY. And I just want to jump off a building and catch a passing breeze and be carried off to cloud city where I can live among the creatures from my imagination and leave all of this behind and not have to think about stress or school or parents or friends or romantic interests or university or being a disappointment or having Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains end and now being in severe post-survivor withdrawal/depression and the fact that Harry Potter is soon ending or just ANYTHING. I just want to leave EVERYTHING and never look back, not once. I want to start again and start as what I want to be with the people I want to be around and live the life I want to live and never think about this stupid excuse for an existence. I want, so badly, to escape.