Around grade 5 or 6, I began plotting my first real story and it was set in a parallel universe where fairies and dragons and dwarves and elves and witches and fantastical creatures existed in harmony and where a elven girl named Megan Pinewood was set on a undetermined quest by the forces of the universe, soon after the tragic death of her parents. So on this quest she went and with her she took of her younger brother (unnamed) and baby twin sisters, Tangerine and Cocoa and on this journey she encountered a witch who went by the name of Faith Bawen. Not much else was decided for this story except that Megan could hear mysterious voices in the walls (a la Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) and that the world in which she lived was on the brink of war with another world inhabited by creatures of dark and evil who had managed to penetrate the barriers between the two worlds in their attempts to invade the former. It was a promising tale in my eyes at the time but in grade eight, after my friend who I would play fantasy role play games outside at recess, left for another school, I abandoned the tale.

But now I return, not to write it but to reclaim it so that I can be a part of this world.

One of the cities I created in this world was situated in the clouds and was known as Cloud City. I do not remember clearly who inhabited it but I'm guessing it was a mixture of elves and fairies and the way in which you moved from Cloud City to land was by a train which for now we'll call the Airth Express (air + earth = airth!). I also made another town which was in the mountains (the Smokey Alps, I recall) and when myself and my friend would role-play, I would sometime pretend to live in these hollowed out mountains which were fully furnished inside and the way of commuting inside and to each of the mountain houses was through the underground tunnels; there was also a mountain market place, I think.

Anyways, I have no idea what the point of all of this was, but I was just thinking back to these times and how much I aspired to be and what I aspired to creat. For some reason, I let all of those dreams go and don't feel like I can catch up to any of them and I guess that makes me a bit of a disappointment. I feel like my life is really falling to pieces these days. I mean, my math mark is completely mediocre and I hear the other grade tens talking smartly about their great averages and my parents are clearly very disappointed in me for that. Also, in French, I feel like I'm doing nothing and achieving nothing and just disappointing myself completely. In drama, the one subject I love, I feel I am doing pretty well but I doubt I will have the opportunity to take this course again and will probably (due to parents and their pressure and stuff) not take this one amazing course again and I will miss it and I will miss all the friends I've made in this class, my amazing teacher Mr Lalonde and all the amazing moments I've had in this class (the sonnet stands out as a particularly fantastic one) and also, I'm so behind in everything for English and English, which used to be my best course last year has become something I've kind of flatlined at; everyone pretty much thinks I'm mediocre and untalented which is true to some degree but I feel like I'm not given the opportunity to grow academically and creatively in Miss Joseph's class. Also, I just came off the heels of the student elections; I put my heart and soul into my campaign for Secretary but despite my attempts, I could not win (a metaphor for my life, perhaps?). Also, I'm just becoming so confused when it comes to everything (I hand in everything late and half-done, I never commit to anything, I sleep when I get home, despite my attempts and doing a lot in SAC, I'm always noticed for my flaws and what I've done wrong and not for what I've done right). Then there are my parents who just add so much stress and crap to my life; they force me to do things like practicing music (I love music but it just detracts from it when they force me and badger me and constantly act disappointed and angry towards me) and I think I was supposed to email back to my Aunt about some intentions I'm supposed to read at a wedding next week but that's my last priority but my parents are just being impossible about it and saying my aunt called disappointed to inquire as to why I had not responded. And they always notice when I do something wrong, never when I do something right. They are perpetually disappointed in me and never proud. And the person I have feelings for could never feel that way back and will never, notice me, in a million years despite my attempts at talking to them or trying to look good (my clean and clear facial cleanse regime is not working fast enough!) and I just feel so constricted inside whenever I think about them and I don't know what to do except cry in a corner, about the person, about everything. I just feel so overwhelmed and hot inside this stuffy motherfucking room and so unloved and uncared for and so mediocre and stupid and talentless and so unable to make my mark on this world and so unable to do absolutely anything right or so unable to not disappoint SOMEONE. And I just want to SCREAM and I just want to CRY. And I just want to jump off a building and catch a passing breeze and be carried off to cloud city where I can live among the creatures from my imagination and leave all of this behind and not have to think about stress or school or parents or friends or romantic interests or university or being a disappointment or having Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains end and now being in severe post-survivor withdrawal/depression and the fact that Harry Potter is soon ending or just ANYTHING. I just want to leave EVERYTHING and never look back, not once. I want to start again and start as what I want to be with the people I want to be around and live the life I want to live and never think about this stupid excuse for an existence. I want, so badly, to escape.

My wish is to vanish. Simply vanish. Vanish from this world, like I never existed in the first place.

Have you ever had such a wish?

A wish that you could disappear off the face of life as if a jumbo-sized eraser had rubbed you out.

Life, as dull as blank paper, as impossible as pigs that fly.

What's the point.

I wanted to be a star, a bright shining star in the night sky.

I wanted everyone to notice me and to be proud of me.

But try. Try you might and try twice...but for what?

An intangible treasure? Always, JUST beyond the extent of reach but that which pushes, and prods and motivates, and is perpetually existent in our very core, tugging at the threads that bridge the gap between mind and soul.

Pushes us forward. But where is forward, one might question?

For the lucky few, forward leads to the spotlight of a red carpet, a polished executive office, a penthouse suite in New York City; to the kingdom they forever desired, lusted and sought.

Yet, many are not so fortunate, pushed forward, THRUST off the edge of a steep jagged cliff to fall like dead weight, like ticking time-bombs, into the uncertainty and immeasurable darkness of destiny.

Some part of us grasps onto that final hope. A prayer. TO be saved, reprieved, caught by a nameless angel, our saviour to fly us to the refuge from which we plummeted, in the faith and belief that we recommence the journey to greatness or else choose another path, one of less ambition and wrought with mediocrity.

But for most, this angel never comes. And forced we are to fall, plummet, dive into the blackness into a bleak unknown, forever waiting the reprieve of death, anticipating the moment when we will simply cease to exist, and simply vanish.

I wrote this sonnet for my Grade 10 Drama class; it was about something that is really close to my heart; the idea that, many of us, as as youth, are told constantly by the people around us, our family, friends, teachers, that we are full of potential and that when we grow up, we will go on to do amazing things in the world, make heaps of money and ultimately, be GREAT.

When I was young, I grew up with this idea that I was special and that I would be GREAT. For years, I lost the idea that to be great, you need to work beyond hard and I fell trap to a life of pleasure and materialism. Around two years ago, as I entered a competitive high school program, I began to realize that there are literally hundreds of other kids equal to if not far better than I am, people with ten times the potential to be GREAT. Now I find I am struggling to catch up with these people, struggling to recapture those years that I lost.

I am literally running, but with each mile, I become more and more out of breath. My heart, my mind fail me, and this race, this race towards greatness, towards success, with every failing breath, becomes a race of growing difficulty, one that, at this moment, seems impossible to win. So now, I am eaten up by this desire to give in, to give up, to quit because I'm tired of failing, of not being the best at SOMETHING. I'm tired of being mediocre, simply average, of blending in. I want to stand out. I want to be unique. I want to be GREAT. But I won't be. How can I? I've lost the key to greatness and all I'm left with is this emptiness. A shell of my former self. Who am I?